The One Where I Hated My Job

Yesterday night, as I was lying in my bed willing myself to fall asleep, I realized something. I realized that I was dreading going to work in the morning. I hadn’t felt that feeling before as I did so strongly laying there, wishing my brain would quiet down.

My mind rolled over my un-logicalness, and I tried for 5 minutes to have a very logical brain. “Alright,” I said to myself. “Why don’t you want to go to work in the morning?” Because the kids don’t behave. I feel like I’m constantly fighting an uphill battle of reminders, behavior management, and discipline. “Okay. That’s legitimate I guess.” My brain thought about this for a while longer until another thought popped into my head. “Why are the kids misbehaving?” Because the kids just ARE that way. Because I’m a terrible teacher. Because I’m not strict enough. Because, because, BECAUSE!

And then, just like in the movies, the pieces of the puzzle began to form to reveal the bigger picture. I had stopped liking my job. Curriculum and drills and assessments had become the sole focus of my vision. But learning wasn’t fun anymore, I realized, for either the students or for me. And if I’m not having fun teaching it, then who’s to say they’re having fun learning it?

You see, teaching is sometimes a little bit like manipulation. You have to convince your students that what you’re teaching them is of value to them. You have to be worth their time. And if you can’t own what you’re selling, you should take a class in Salesmanship 101 because owning what you teach and making it your own is probably the most essential quality there is in teaching.

I had stopped delighting in five-year-old hugs, and wiggly teeth, and stubborn attitudes. I had too high of expectations for my students. I expected them to the perfect, and they will NEVER be perfect students because heaven knows how difficult it is for us to get down the hallway without a single peep. I expected perfection from myself, which… *THUD* oh my, excuse me. I just fell off my chair from laughing so hard. Eye roll. We all know that’s never happening either. Heaven knows how hard it is for ME to get down the hallway without a single peep.

I forgot that I get to teach them what it means to be a friend, and how to skip count by 2’s, and that bringing bugs into the classroom means that Ms. Souer will make you release them back into the tuffs of greenery that grows between the cement cracks on the sidewalk.

Life goes so much farther than curriculum. Life is about experiences, and by golly, my students are going to experience writing their first words, creating social skills, and developing fine motor skills by decorating a card for their best friend while I teach them about David and Jonathon and how incredible their friendship was. We’re going to learn how humans move by playing follow the leader and hopping, jumping, skipping, walking, and running around the classroom. And if we’re loud, I’ll apologize, but deep down, I will smile because I know that learning is going on in these little brains. We’re going to learn how to act and imagine from the dramatic play pizzeria that just opened up across the classroom, and we’ll probably learn how to tell time from the number of times they ask how many more minutes until lunch time.

My teaching is nothing if I cannot impart the love of learning to my students, but I know that they’re learn in spite of us.They always do. :)